Change...

....is about the only component in my life than remains constant.

I was thinking about that fact yesterday when everything just sort of hit me all at once. it seems so wrong that everything that has happened in  my life should be aimed at one single person....that someone would be that heartless in thinking that one person could handle all that which is thrown at them... but then i brought myself back into reality and tried to leave the pity party i was throwing in honor of myself. all my life all i have ever been told is that everything happens for a purpose. that hurt and pain are present in our lives so that we may grow and become stronger individuals. well, for a long time, i didn't care. no matter what anyone was going to tell me, i had it worse off than anyone else in the world and everyone should feel sorry for me and what i have had to go through. well, those were the most selfish, pig-headed thoughts i coudl have imagined and now i am ashamed that they entered my mind. this past year and half have been horrible. but, i have learned more than the average teenager and i am proud to say that instead of complaining about it all.....i plan on taking everything in my future head-on with a some-what positive attitude...but more....one of complete confidence in what i will be able to accomplish because of my struggles in the past. yes, its been really, really hard. but its just made me realize even more what i am capable of enduring and how much i can help people with my experience. i have so much more to learn, but in the mean time, i hope to help others with what i've already struggled through. Yesterday was really hard. really, the last three weeks have been hell. but in that little amount of time, i have grown more as aperson than i did over the last 12 months. I've learned that change can only make me stronger. that people will come and go throughout my life but that its making the most of the present that is most important, that way, you have no regrets when your time with them is through. I have come to learn that i am much stronger than i ever imagined. that i am the hardest worker i know and that when i set my sight on something, i never let that goal go till it has been accomplished. i've learned not to be as hard on people as i am on myself. that everyone has flaws and i need to be understanding about them and love them for everything-flaws and all. people aren't perfect, and just because i strive to be....doesn't mean i should hold them up to the same standard.  i need to stop trying and do my best just to survive as myself....and not someone everyone else wants me to be. i've learned to forgive over time. to start the healing process. i have also learned that hate can hurt you more than any physical pain. i've learned that sometimes...its better to open yourself up for hurt and trust someone...than it is never to be able to share that bond of mutual feelings. yes, if you keep yourself at a distance from everyone...its true. you will not be as hurt emotionally from others you let in your life....but if you never cross that line...you never get to experience the love, the pain, the hurt, the friendship, the trust, the laughter, that you could have shared just by putting down your guard. which would you prefer? a life of guarded emotions and relationships that is nice...but never gets to close to feel what its like on the other side? or a life lived without the barriers of the heart so that pain and joy are both free to enter and exit as they will....but  in the end...you don't regret either because AT LEAST you got to feel something! to share something with another person...even if it was for so brief a moment. i've learned that i would like to have the second life...even though i have been living the first. this isn't even everything i have learned...no there is so much more...but i don't know how to express it in words so that you may understand. i'm not even sure you will be able to follow half of what i have just typed...but that okay.....because its mostly for me. i needed to get it out. to feel like i let SOMEONE know. and thats all that matters right now....to feel as if i have touched or helped someone with my experiences and thoughts....if not....than there is always another time or place...either way....its fine with me.

now for the information part of my entry. for all of you who don't just want to know about whats going on in my head but whats going on in my life...hear it is. I will be starting my Sophomore year at Concord High School on August 16. within th enext two weeks...i will be moving in with Kathy Wemeijer until around January. I will still be going to river oaks...my number will still be what it is (if it concerns you...than you already know what it is and i don't have to put it online for the world to see ^_^) i will be staying at my mothers house every-other weekend and at my dads house every Monday and Tuesday. I will be participating in Marching Band still and Speech but i am tryign to add to my agenda a job. i need money, lots of it, and the only way... is to enter the work force...YAY! so yes, i will be slightly busy.  My favorite eteacher and dear friend just quit her job as my beloved Drawing/Painting/AP teacher....so now....i have no idea what its going to be like...but i can say that it completely sucks. Mrs. Bradly is one of the few people i have known who completely rock as everything. She is an amazing teacher. A wonderful confidant and listener. she cared about all of her students and she treated them with the same respect as anyone else in her life. i'm going to miss her so much this year i have no idea how i am going to cope! Mrs. Bradly is one of the great people in my life i regret not having taken advantage of the time i shared with her. so yeah, i found all that out yesterday and it sucked. my time is running out for the computer so i am going to close this GINORMOUS entry now. if you have nay questions or comments...please leave them...or even call me.

till then! 

So.......

hmmm.... a lot has happened in a VERY short amount of time. where to begin? well....at my graduation....things went pretty well. we put on protective gear (the police officer and i) and then i were instructed to go through three different situations in which we could possibly need to use self deffense....then, we were told to use the moves we had been taught to injur our attacker in order to make the best possible escape. Lets just say....on the very last situation....i was the only female to send the police officer (fully padded) to his knees with one REALLY GOOD knee thrust.... ^_^ so now...i am fully confident in my deffensive skills and any dude who tries to mess with me better watch out! I'm a ninja!   anyways...and then my grandmother visited this week....and that was nice sense i haven't seen her for about a year. and while she was hear...my mom informed of some stuff and consequently my life will be changing ( pretty drastically) in the next two  weeks and i'm not exactly sure how i'm gonna deal with it...cuz right about now i'm not really sure how i feel......we will see i guess. anywyas, so because of these drastic changes...i think i am going to choose openly not to write my report for English that is due on the first day of school...i am a bad person. so yeah. thats all i can think of now because i' m goign through a really bad caffiene crash from having no supper, five mountain dews, two cookies, a bad of cinniman sun chips....and four chips with a small amount of salsa. thats it. plus two pain killers. thats really it. so now, i'm goign to find food.

Last entry for a while...

well. tomorrow i'm off to chicago! wish me luck! i hope it will be fun! Wednesday was great! i had a bunch of fun. got some pictures developed, went to RAD classes with Jayne, Karen, Marty, and Jessika, had my Doctors App.... bought a new dress at Target, and ate at Taco Bell. i'm SUCH a busy girl! but really, after this weekend...i am preparing myself for the haul of a lifetime...and im not even IN school! ahh!

starting next week...i have all this to do BEFORE the summer ends. Go to Freshamn Band camp 8:00- 12:00 ALL WEEK. Meet up with Courtney, Mrs. Bradly, and Mindy for various randevous, get mom to fill out my parent permission slip for RAD classes, read the Scarlet letter and give chapter over views all typed up and ready for the first day of school, turn in all my job apps. in hopes of getting a REAL job BEFORE school starts, go shopping in hopes of finding some affordable marching tennies, get a huge water bottle, make copy's of my music for tori, unsign myself from the nursery list at church, turn all my Library stuff, try to fit in the fair with my marchign schedual of 8:00 a.m to 4:p.m for the next week...figure out what my AP Art subject is goign to be, work at Amish Acres for fundraiser for Speech and Debate, find a new piece to preform for up coming years season,and make my Macy's payments that i am behind on...not to forget picking up and paying for my renetl flute before marching season begins...etc,etc,etc. I'm SURE i am forgetting some stuff but that is about all i can think of at the moment. I'm trying not to get stressed about all the stuff i have to do in less than 2 months and i keep telling myself that whatever hapens will be and i cant slow down or speed up any of it. SO THERE. thats it for now. so all THAT is why i wont be on for a while. my break is over and now i have to re-enter the rush of my life. i'm going to try and delete the word stress from my vocabulary in hopes that it wont visit me in the future...i'll let you know how it works out. i love you all and i wish you the best in everything you do! till then, goodbye!

i TURN 16 TOMORROW!

my title is pretty much self explanatory....tomorrow is my birthday...but i'm not doing anything special..tomorrow that is. I have a Doctors App. and then i have my female self deffense classes at 6:00 and then...i dont know. BUT, this weekend...i'm going to chicago with my Padre' and we will be painting the town on saterday till sunday! fun,fun,fun! We're riding the southshore down. where from there, we will take a bus to our hotel drop our stuff off...and in the coarse of the day i will go to Green's Farmers Market, see Harry Potter @ the IMAX, go to the art institute of Chicago, some small resale shopping at the brown elephant, Eat at some fancy place i cant pronounce, visit millenium park, and the rest will just be random events that strike me as being fun to participate in...it should be a great weekend...im pretty pumped! so thats it! next time you talk to me...i will be 16. hopefully its better than 15 but i'm not gettin my hopes up.

love to all!